


To Think

by bluebell_dreamer



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: POV Experimental, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 01:05:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8124625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebell_dreamer/pseuds/bluebell_dreamer
Summary: Ethan sees Cal and Alicia kiss. (Oneshot)





	

Okay. Okay.

Don’t be stupid, Ethan. Have to tell her. Not be awkward. Be normal. Not you normal. Normal normal. What? Just  
Just  
Erm

Be  
Be More Cal. Confident. Flirty. Quick. Slick. Not yourself. No.

Go back in. Breathing out heavy. Going to do it. Finally do it. Can do it.

In.

Opening door.  
Come on. Brave.

 

Where is she?  
Eyes looking. Hope she hasn’t

 

hasn’t

 

Cal. Alicia.

Cal and Alicia.  
Moving in closer.

Breath brushes away hair.  
Gazes on lips.  
Closer. Closer. It slows down. Taunting.  
Lied. 

Have to get out. Quickly. Don’t want to be seen. Fumbling for the door now. Hands are shaky. Shaking. Can’t believe this is happening. Brother. Lover. Not lover, not even that. Coward. Too late. Always too late. One step behind. Behind again. Cal gets everything. Always gets everything.  
Breath leaves. Not all of it. Not enough. Can’t take it in.  
Have to get away. More. Further. Just go. Darker. Streetlamps are dim. No one can see tears. Good. Not weak.  
Not weak.

Brother. Own brother.

 

Legs shaky too. Can’t walk straight. Trying.

Cal. Cal. With her. He knew.

Maybe it’s for the best. What goes right for me?  
Nothing is ever right. Everything ruined. Not right. Not fair.

 

Chest hurts. Throat vibrates. Raw.

Staggering. Don’t know where. Legs still shaky.  
Stop it, Ethan. Stop it.  
I don’t  
I can’t  
Why why why why why

Need to get away. Not just from this. Everything. The hurt. They all make it hurt. Just need to

loud noise

harsh too loud less loud 

 

rush of air

 

blown backwards

 

hurts

 

no air

spinning  
spinning spinning sp

neck sn aps

hurts hurts hurts hurts hurts hurts hurts hurts hurts HURTS

so fast so fast so fast lights everywhere what is what is 

 

 

 

 

 

 

oh

 

 

 

 

 

 

breath

 

 

 

not feeling

 

noises everything

 

rushing where but what

 

what is going

on can’t feel  
any  
thing  
wet  
head what  
water underneath

still numb  
how

feels wrong everything

 

 

should open eyes

 

nothing working

 

so scared

 

try hand it 

something 

 

noises blaring 

people 

 

 

who

 

 

\--

It’s warm, sweet, not passionate but tender. It’s good. Feels good. Body lightens. Lips soft. It’s good to feel. Wish this could  
What is  
Screams, coming from outside. What? Sound scared. More screams. Less of them. Quieter. Looking outside. Can’t see. Too many people. Dark. Should go. See. Help. Stand up.  
Look back at Alicia.  
Look. Kissed her.  
Ethan. Oh.  
Brother.  
Not good. It was a mistake. Yes. Mistake. Ethan likes her more. Shouldn’t have done it.  
Didn’t see. Still wrong.  
My fault.  
She leant in.

 

Going forward. People rushing. Standing still. Shock. Need to help. Doctor Knight.  
Outside is colder. Too cold. People staring. Where? Where?

Look around. See.

Something. Body. Blood. Car. Lights. People. Too many people.  
Need to be closer. See it. See who

who

 

 

what

what

 

no it

 

 

 

the

 

looks like

 

no surely it can’t

 

where is

 

No. It isn’t.

No.

No

No no no no no no no

can’t be

shirt jacket hair not him not him not him

close your eyes it isn’t him alive alive alive he must be here must be close don’t

 

please god don’t let it be real

 

not him

not him  
not him  
NOT HIM

 

ethan

 

Hands in hair. Real. Too much blood. Round the head. Round body. Hands red. 

please  
On face. Closer. I’m here.

not real

I’m here. Here. Ethan.  
Open your eyes  
Be okay

 

i can’t  
how am I supposed to

 

don’t go

 

 

move cough what  
oh thank  
ethan ethan alive moving see eyes

I’m here. Tell him. Keep telling him. Look after you. Stay with you. Stay with me.

stay with please oh please

Mouth trying to work. Trying to say something.  
Shh.  
Don’t speak.  
Blood where words should be. Leaking. Draining. It’s everywhere. Everywhere.

still again  
wake up

Don’t you dare die.

Not now.

 

Eyes open. Close again. Struggling. Tell him to wait. Hold on. Just hold on.  
Words not there. Voice blocked. Choking. Blood.

 

Drowning.

 

feels weaker

 

is weaker

 

 

 

this isn’t

 

losing him

 

 

don’t

 

\--

 

 

“I saw you.”

did

 

i know

hurts so

so much stop stop

 

how  
could  
you

 

get off me

 

cal

 

never

 

leave me

 

 

help

 

betrayed me

 

me help me help me help

 

 

 

legs are wrong

how

 

not there

 

 

more focus world bigger dark to dark make it

 

you promised  
how

 

she saw you lie

 

back there in the the

 

i don’t can’t remember

 

how could you  
just

 

 

moving how where too dark can’t see

 

dark  
where  
where  
where where where where where where

 

what’s happening cal what’s happening can’t

 

lost

 

i

 

 

hands are are colder

 

so so cold

 

yours mine

 

 

hurts  
hurts hurts  
hurts  
hurts

 

who

touch t tight  
fallingfalling

 

 

pain all

growsgrows still just pain  
grows  
fall

 

hurts hurts too much make less now please please

please

help

please no  
no please  
please  
just  
please

 

oh

 

it all move

stop please make it stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop

 

s t o p

 

 

he ad go ne w i t h

 

wh

e r e

 

d a r k e r n o w

 

 

s o f t e r

 

i t

 

i

 

c l e a r

 

 

 

 

 

c a


End file.
